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Contest: 1-Verse Filk

I’ve had a bummer couple of weeks for many reasons, most of them relating to Global Cooling and a mild skin rash on several of my knuckles. So I need to increase the silliness factor a little, and am hereby mounting a contest, with real prizes.

The challenge: Submit a 1-verse filk; that is, a short parody song with original funny words to only one verse, what ur-filker Allan Sherman called a “schtick.” It has to be a funny filk, and the contest will be judged by people who know what “funny” means. (They will not necessarily be filkers. I will have a vote.) The tune can be anything, but it has to be a tune that has some chance of being recognized by a reasonable number of people. The song should only be one verse long; brevity is the soul of damned near everything, humor not the least of it. You can send me more verses, but your chances of winning decrease with each verse submitted beyond the first.

All entries should be submitted as comments to this blog. Your choice which site, and if you feel so inclined, submit entries to both sites. Being in both places does not increase your chances, though it may increase the number of people who see your entry. The two sites, in case you only ever read one, are LiveJournal, and WordPress.

No other rules except: Use no dirty words that will get either of us into trouble. Numerous things rhyme with “duck” and even more with “wit.” (Here’s a rhyming dictionary, in case you get stuck.)

The winner will be judged by Thanksgiving Day, or as soon thereafter as I get at least three entries. If I don’t get three entries by Christmas, we’ll call it done and both entries will get prizes. The prize will consist of your choice of one from the following list:

  • One copy of any title from the Copperwood Press catalog.
  • One copy of Assembly Language Step By Step.
  • A variable capacitor from my collection. I’ll test it for shorts before shipping.
  • A TO-36 auto radio power transistor from my collection. Sub a 6SN7 if you’re allergic to germanium.
  • Anything else somebody sends me to be a prize, to be listed later.

Hey, if that don’t get your mouth watering, what will? And in case you’re not sure what a one-verse filk is, let me show you:

Let There Be Fleas on Earth

(To: “Let There Be Peace on Earth”)

Let there be fleas on Earth, but keep them away from me;

Let there be toads and snails, but not where I can see!

To love each creature’s obnoxious features would drive me up a tree–

So let there be fleas on Earth, but keep them away….from me!

Shirley, you can all do better than that. So get on it!


  1. David says:

    One of my cats eats so fast he often gets sick and throws up. There’s no reason for the rush – there’s always enough food – but that’s his habit. I’ve taken to singing this little filk at meal times and it really seems to help. Perhaps it annoys him and that makes him slow down. Whatever works!

    To the tune of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Feelin’ Groovy”

    Slow down, you eat too fast

    You’ve got to make the kibbles last!

    So take your time and chew it well

    ‘Cause if you don’t you’ll be feelin’ wooooooozy!

  2. From my personal blog in February of 2008. To the tune of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”, which was stuck in my head during a nasty bout of stomach flu. Borders on too much information, but hey. It’s filk. 🙂

    How I got this norovirus, I don’t know know know.
    Livin’ on toast and water at most, then go, go, go.
    Sleep the rest of the time, feel so bad it’s a crime.
    And how I got this norovirus, I don’t know know know.


  3. Tony Kyle says:

    I’ve got one I’ve tried for years to do that goes to the Riders in the Sky.

    The kids are on the bed, the adults are on the floor
    The puppy’s in tub because he piddled twice before
    Then a strange and fearsome sound came in from the hall
    A tall and not so handsome stranger, burst in through our door


    1. Tony Kyle says:

      That is Ghost Riders in the Sky…

  4. Pablo says:

    I’ve had this in my head for months now, not sure if it qualifies.

    To the tune of “Islands in the stream”
    Packets in the stream,
    That is what we are.
    ACK’ing in between,
    After we arrive.
    PSH away with me, to another world.
    And we’re rely on each other’s or-der
    From one socket to another, FIN,ACK

    1) Does that even plausibly qualify?
    2) Does the chorus count as a verse?


  5. Alex Dillard says:

    To the tune of I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor:

    First I was dismayed

    I was mystified

    Just wondering why the DLLs wouldn’t link

    Regardless how hard I tried

    After I wrote so many bytes

    The errors I encountered did prolong

    I was wrong

    I learned DLLs have been a mess all along

    People who read this and aren’t familiar with DLLs might also want to peek at

  6. […] don’t forget the contest I posted yesterday once it goes down under the fold! Keep those shortie filk schticks […]

  7. Erbo says:

    All right, this is a bit longer than strictly called for, ‘cos it’s the first verse and chorus, but it’s something I’ve had rattling around in my head for awhile. So imagine you’re firing up your Guitar Hero…

    “Programmer Man”
    (Tune: “Blue Collar Man,” Styx)

    “Give me UI, give me security!”
    That’s what the boss came to say,
    And it’ll take six months just to get it right,
    We’re going to beta in May,
    The spec’s not complete and it can’t be reviewed,
    The VP’s out through next week,
    There’s emergency fixes to be done or we’re screwed,
    You think it’s time yet to freak?

    I’m facing long nights, impossible bugs,
    Keeping my hands on the keyboard,
    If it takes all that to be just what I am,
    I’m gonna be a programmer man…

    (To quote Heinlein, “Autobiographical in many details. Which details? Show me a warrant and I’ll take the Fifth.” 🙂 )

  8. Pablo says:

    I’m sure this will cause me to self-disqualify, but tick-tock. Happy Thanksgiving!

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